And I’m Not Sleeping Now

This week has been a nightmare, for some reason.

I have been tired constantly, and I have felt like everyday I’m getting closer to a pit that is ready to swallow me whole.

This might be because I’m going to put myself up for UTTER rejection on Valentine’s Day, because, believe it or not, I have a crush on someone I actually already consider VITAL to my social life and mental health.

I don’t know how I suddenly just got a crush, but it’s, ironically enough, actually kind of crushing me. It’s crushing my spirit, it’s smothering me and I can’t make it stop.

Worst part is that we have Winter Sports Day on Valentine’s Day with school and this will probably make it all even worse.

I’m going ice skating and I don’t know what to do with myself…

This entire week has made me feel like everything sucks, too. Like it’s all crumbling, not even coffee got me extra energy, some bastard sneezed on my on the subway so I’m on my way of getting ill again.

This entire week has taken ages and I just want to lie down this weekend and not do anything, but I have homework and essays to write and it just sucks.

It all sucks.

It doesn’t matter what kind of meds I’m on, I still think about just not living any more, because why should I?

It’s not only just my city or my country or continent.

This entire planet makes me want to hurl, it’s disgusting and people are awful and I fucking hate it here.

I just can’t with anything any more, it’s slowly killing me, it’s itching right under my skin and it’s all for nothing.

What’s it matter if I become a teacher and slowly mould the minds of young people?

What’s it matter if I marry someone I love, get children I love more than anything else, when I can’t even love myself or let anyone love me?

What’s it matter if I write a novel or two or ten, what’s it matter if people remember me for decades, centuries?

What’s it matter at all? 

This is killing me now, the imminent exams, the fact that almost all my friends are graduating and I’m just standing here with two extra years of Upper Secondary School to face, with new people nonetheless.

Like why do I have to stand all of this, when I could actually just off myself with those razors that lay in my room.

Why do I have to watch the world go about with its awful ways and awful people and why isn’t there anyone who CAN HELP ME.

My psychiatrist is an arse, my doctor is even worse and I just want to lay down and watch ’90s chick flicks because I’m out.

I can’t any more.

I don’t want to.

Bye

Sleep, when a soul that her own clouds cover
Wails that sorrow should always keep
Watch, nor see in the gloom above her
Sleep,

 

– Algernon Charles Swinburne

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About thezonesystems

Former miserable, confused teenager - now sad and confused trans adult(ish)
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