Thoughts and (Some) Progress

I still feel like an absolute failure, like I’m useless, and undesirable, but at least I am over my crush.
I don’t know what to call it, I think the reason for getting over her might be because I was spiraling downwards so much a few days ago; because I feel useless and pathetic, and won’t spend time longing and yearning after someone I know doesn’t think of me in that way. Thing is; she has been dropping hints that I’ve interpreted as friendship-like feelings for me, and nothing else. Funny thing is that I’m at least 90% ok with that.
It’s always nice when someone likes you back, but I think our friendship is worth pursuing instead of a romance.
Platonic love all the way. I guess I’ve grown up at last.

On another note; the battle is lost. I gave into temptation; but it wasn’t severe, and that’s all I’m going to say about that right now.

I turn nineteen in 22 hours by the way. It feels so weird, especially since my classmates are turning seventeen this year. I sometimes forget how old I am, sometimes I feel like I’m ancient, but mostly it feels like I’m two years younger than I really am.
Then I state something that is obvious to me, or tell a joke that only I get, or reference something I believe everyone should be familiar with; and I am met with empty glances, hollow eyes, and sometimes frowns, because they don’t understand. It is a bit annoying, but I try my best not to be judgmental.

Screw it, back to lost battles; it felt so good, going back to that kind of thing again, even if it was brief and shallow. It has calmed me significantly, and I feel a lot more at ease. I thought about bringing razors to school; but I thought better of it. People would become suspicious if I suddenly started to visit the lavatories in the corridors. I hate public restrooms, and my friends are very much informed of this fact.

I will be receiving one out of five books I’ve ordered within a week, the others won’t arrive until the second week of March, which has me a bit bummed out; but I can manage the wait since they’re all John Green novels.

This is a very calm entry; compared to my previous ones. My relapse had some positive aspects at least, even if there are going to be some very disappointed people if/when they find out.

But I digress; I have to get up in four hours.



About thezonesystems

Former miserable, confused teenager - now sad and confused trans adult(ish)
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