Lies and Imagination

So I am not actually over my crush, I just tried to get over her, and almost succeeded.

She asked me in class who my crush was, and I couldn’t lie to her, so I told her (but didn’t fail to mention that I thought it was a friend crush and not a real crush, she proceeded to ask if I was sure, and I answered I wasn’t) and she took my hand and said she liked me.

I don’t know what to do, really. She’s been a bit absent, but I’m going over to hers on Friday for a movie night with some other friends, and tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and she’s getting the card.

I guess I’ll have my answer tomorrow, but I’m still scared shitless of the possible rejection.

It would be awesome if she liked me back, I would take her out on dates and cook her dinner and all those sickly-sweet things people do when they like someone.

I just really like her, and I want her to feel as special as I view her.

On another note; I think I might fail one of my classes and I’m very beat up about that, but I haven’t had time to type anything up about that because I have a short story due on Friday, an essay due on Monday plus homework all the time.

My birthday was good though, I got things I wanted and my mother remembered things I had mentioned in passing.

I’m going out on Saturday to a kpop club here in Stockholm, and as far as the three other club nights have gone, I think this will be splendid.

As said before, the battle’s been lost, but I haven’t done anything more to myself, I’ve only scratched at the old marks and that’s been enough until now.

I’m pretty stressed and I just don’t want to do anything any more, but you already know that.

I’m thinking about starting a series of blog entries where I speak about my life¬†experiences in more detail, but as if it’s a story, I could pull that off with more time on my hands.

There are a lot of things I wish I could do, but there’s too little time, really. I want to vlog, but I don’t have time or the energy (and I’m afraid no one would watch it, and that would kill my spirit), I want to write fiction but school is slowly eating all my inspiration…

It’s also fact that everything I write is horribly sad and irritation, but I just want it out of my system, I want it all out there, I want people to read it, but I think no one wants to.

I’m just tired of everything, I’m tired of myself and my hardships, and the fact that I can’t climb the mountains of irritating things.

I want to lie down forever and never move, but that’s not socially acceptable. There are things I want to do, but it would probably be better if I finished school, but school is crushing my spirit.

Fuck all of this, I just don’t want to any more.


About thezonesystems

Former miserable, confused teenager - now sad and confused trans adult(ish)
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