Once Upon a Suicidal Thought

Killing myself seems so easy, so close to home.

It has been so far away before, and now it’s almost palpable, I can touch it with my fingers and it doesn’t shy away. It stays, curious of me, wanting to be stroked and loved.

And I am loving it, giving it attention it wants, and the urge to cut is impossible to stand up against.

I wish my state of drunkenness was greater, because I’m not sure I want to feel the pain.

The only thing holding me back is the arrival of my mum and sister, but even they can’t keep a lid on this, because it is consuming me. It is eating me from the inside and out, and all I want is to forget for a short while.

I just want to kill myself so much that not even a seven year old with a fever can make me want to stay un this world longer than I need to.

Not even the thought of how hurt my friends and family will be is keeping me from it, not the unread books, the unseen films, or the friends that I haven’t met yet.

I just want to be rid of it all, I either want to be taken care of somewhere remote, in a facility where they take me seriously, or I want to die a bloody death (or maybe hang myself on the back of my door) in my room because I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to be one out of almost one thousand people in a building.

I just don’t want to live, and I don’t want to have obligations, or medicine to take all the time. I’m thinking of taking all of the pills at once, while I bleed out, or suffocate myself on a piece of string. I want to die, my meds won’t help, and they’re talking about dosage.

Just kill me, I don’t want to live.

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About thezonesystems

Former miserable, confused teenager - now sad and confused trans adult(ish)
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8 Responses to Once Upon a Suicidal Thought

  1. billierard says:

    ❤ You show great emotion in your writing.
    If this is how you truly feel, then I do not know how to help you, but I will always take this kind of thing seriously.

    This is your life, not anyone else's.

  2. Vinny says:

    I don’t like this post! :/ Even if it’s real or made up!

    • It is most certainly real, just like every one of my entries, and the only way for me to express my thoughts and feelings honestly is through here.

      • Vinny says:

        Well I appreciate you being honest and stuff, but any kind of thoughts like this are just crazy. Just having these thoughts and taking life for granted just gets me upset. There are so many people around the world who have given their life up for a reason and for someone to do it through suicide is an excuse and easy way out.

        I’m just being honest too.

      • Comparing someone suicidal with people who willingly risk their lives for causes is not a great thing to do. Many choose to risk their lives, or it is an honor to fight for their country to protect it. I never asked for this, it was thrust upon me through years of abuse. Telling me, a clinically depressed and suicidal teen, that taking my life is an easy way out is not a smart move. An easy way out is what I am looking for.

      • Vinny says:

        I’m not going here to argue. It is the obvious wrong choice and it’s sad people out there would even consider it. Seeing how they just take life or the ability to have it for granted it just gets me upset.

      • It is not “the obvious wrong choice” if someone feel like it’s the only option out there. The road to recovery is almost harder than just carrying the illness. I’m not taking life for granted, I’m only yearning for an end of it, or an end of all the hardships.

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