I am alive. I have not tried to kill myself.
My sick leave has been extended, my medication and dosage has been altered. Again.
I am on medication that usually treats epilepsy. I haven’t had the pleasure to get them out at the pharmacy yet, but the way my other pills have killed and drained my economy into a few scraps of coins every month is not really making things better.
I got allergy pills for children as sleeping pills. They numb my arms even more than the other pills do. They make me panic. Panic makes me exhausted. I either sleep sixteen hours, or I don’t sleep at all.
They took a liver sample to see if my liver can take other pills. I don’t care about my liver right now. I am terrified of the things that will happen when I haven’t slept for over fifty hours.
I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep.
The fact that I keep my computer on, that there are things running right next to me. I need the distractions, I need things to keep me from thinking.
Thinking was what was supposed to keep me sane, now thinking is the thing that’s killing me. It’s merciless. It’s not stopping and I just want someone to stop it. I need someone to just stop it.
I need rest. I need these pills to sleep. I need them.
I need them.